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changingtheodds
28 November 2009 @ 09:41 am
We've never met, but Rachel's talked about you. And Robin--

Whatever you said to him, I can never, ever

Thank you, a thousand times more than I can ever

Thank you so much.
 
 
changingtheodds
26 November 2009 @ 06:19 am
[Locked to the Doctor]

I'm sorry for running away like that. I'm sorry that I growled at you--I didn't mean to. I was panicking, just--

The things I saw that last day made me afraid of myself. I destroyed the people around me. And the things I did to you

I did the most terrible things to you. Seeing you like that, so suddenly, I just

I couldn't keep things clear. Keep myself divided from the things I'd seen. I

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. For so much more than I can say, and I

It was so lonely.



[Locked to Rachel Dawes]

I'm sorry I haven't

I'm okay.

I talked to Robin.

I know you aren't... together. Any more. But. I'd still like to see you. If you wanted to see me.



[Locked to Dusty, locked against replies]

This is by rights something I should say to you face to face.

I guess I'm a coward.

There's a lot happening to me. Around me. That you don't know about. There’s more that I’ve lost in the past month than I even can begin to express. There’s so much I thought I understood, just like I always think I understand and never do.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s what I’ve needed to learn this whole time, that it’s never going to be easy and that I’m never going to understand, and all the world is and all you are is the moment you’re standing in. I don’t know. I can’t

There’s too much in my head. There’s too much to sort through, still, too much I need to learn about this place and too much I need to learn about myself. I’ve never

I’ve never been myself. I keep trying to be the person I think I’m supposed to be. I can’t

I can’t be with anyone. I can’t feel responsible for anyone but myself. I can’t feel like I h I need to love myself before I can be with anyone. Anyone.

You need someone who will always be there to see you. That's not me. It hasn't been. It won't be. Maybe not ever.

I run away. I keep running away. I think I knew that sooner or later I wouldn’t be coming back.

I’m selfish and a coward too, I guess.

Know that I loved you, and that you deserve better. I would say I’m sorry but the only thing I’m sorry for is that I hurt you. Goodbye.
 
 
changingtheodds
17 November 2009 @ 09:20 pm
I'm all right.

I'm sorry.

I miss you.
 
 
changingtheodds
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I

This whole thing has happened too fast.

Rachel Dawes and I are going out this morning to look for Robin. He didn't come back yesterday, he said he would, and

We're just going to find him. While the light lasts.

Please stay safe. I will be back long before midnight.

With or

With Robin.
 
 
 
changingtheodds
27 October 2009 @ 03:36 am
[Locked to the Doctor]

I'm a fir

We

Can I talk to you?



[Locked to the Vesmier]

I need to speak with you at your earliest convenience.
 
 
changingtheodds
07 August 2009 @ 10:55 am
[Private]

I’ve been here eight months. As of today. How can… I feel more lost now than I did then. Having spent my whole life (or as much of it as I can remember--one never thinks what it’s like to forget, and to remember you’ve forgotten) before now living in confidence, suddenly having to find my way is…

Hard.

Why can words not look as painful as they feel?

I want to be told what to do. I want someone to guide me. I want to fall back into that pattern of reliance into which I was raised, and that shames me. It seems each time I take a step forward, the ground gives way under me.

I said I wouldn’t use my gift in keeping with the edicts I was raised into, and then I unmade the violent, used it to attack those who could not defend against it. I swore not to use the ability to shift as an escape. Robin left me, and I was willing to subject those who still knew me to the pain of my loss once again.

And here I must pause to wonder what kind of pain that would be, if it wouldn’t be worth it to be out of their lives, to keep from hurting them again. And then I question that, too--the motivation behind it; to free them from me, or to free myself from the guilt of involving them in my sequence of catastrophes. I question everything, these days. Every memory, every impulse, every word and emotion. I exhaust myself with wondering. Is this living your own life? Stumbling through the mire of conflicting emotions, impulses, ethics, until you’re up to your chest and wondering why you’ve yet to drown?

Once again, I don’t know what to do. Somehow the position isn’t one that gives me pride or comfort any more.



[Locked to the Doctor, Dusty, and Robin; locked against replies from the same]

I feel as though I’ve failed you all. Please, don’t stop reading there and tell me that I’ve not; at this point, your forgiveness will only compound my own guilt. What I’ve done to each and every one of you is…

I’m sorry.

Doctor: I used you. I took advantage of your own native abilities and turned them on the people of this city. I made you witness to the unmaking of people who, while they might have been murderers themselves, still had the right to live. I made you see things... relive things... I have no words

I can't apologize enough.


Dusty: I’ve made you worry. I’ve… You have so many things you’re trying to wade through on your own, and I’ve added my own failures mistakes mess. I haven’t been there for you, but you continue to help and support me. I don’t… You deserve better than this. You deserve so much more than me.


Robin: You were the one who

I can’t

I’m so sorry, I didn’t

Please


Promise me you won’t feel guilty for leaving.



[Locked to the Prophet and Eli]

I would like to see you. Please.
 
 
changingtheodds
22 July 2009 @ 10:46 pm
I spoke to Dan

I don't know what I can say

I never

Please help me.
 
 
changingtheodds
If someone would be so kind as to tell me where the Doctor is currently staying.

I need to speak to him. As soon as is possible.
 
 
changingtheodds
20 July 2009 @ 12:12 pm
I love you, and I'm not sure why.

I'm sorry, and I'm not sure why.

Everything is so confusing.

Please come back. I'm scared.